This is my New Years post as I’ll be in Milwaukee from here on out celebrating Alyssa and Jeff!
I’ve had a very very contemplative week. Like inside my own head trying to figure out just what is going on up there and what I’m supposed to do about these feelings. I started looking over my old blog post, like about moving to Indianapolis and just some of my struggles. It’s crazy how my mindset has changed. I find myself to be very hard on me. I carry guilt for things I shouldn’t carry guilt about. I carry responsibility in a lot of situations when I shouldn’t. I try to fix situations that can’t be fixed. I can only apologize and be beat down so much before I start to believe what they say. I’ve seen myself change into a more confident woman. Who knows she has made mistakes and will fess up to her mistakes BUT will not be guilted into being someone she isn’t. I’ve realized where my heart is and that I was running from something when I moved. It was a necessary move. I’m not sure I would have learned these things where I was and I had to experience life like this before I could fully appreciate the life I’m moving on to.
Sometimes as an adult I think I shouldn’t make mistakes. I age myself well beyond 25 with some of the standards I’ve been holding myself too. I let my emotions get the best of me and I let others control my moods. This is the time in my life where I’m settling into my own skin and who I am. I’m learning to change how I react to people. This is the time in life to celebrate the opportunities I have and the changes I can make. I’m not set in stone!
So for this new year, for 2012 I’m not going to make any bold predictions about what I will accomplish, I’m more focused on things I want to change or practice more of. I know I’m moving back to Lexington. I know I’m moving to where my heart is happy. I’m going to stop trying to fix broken situation because I can’t fix it myself and I’m not getting any help. I read the perfect quote the other day that said
“At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life”
So my heart is full of people but they don’t have to be in my life. I’m going to allow myself to be a little selfish this year and do what is going to make me happy. People do not have to agree but I hope if they love me enough they’ll understand. I also want to live more in the present than in the future. I am going to spend the next 4 1/2 months in school, studying, spending time with friends and taking as many road trips as I want. Sometimes it comes down to realizing that the people who want you in their lives will make time for you. I want to practice more grace and mercy and forgiveness. These are common themes in my life and I want them to play a bigger part. I want to live a more joyful and prosperous life (not in terms of money). I want to delve further into my faith. Start to develop my habits and become the believer I’m supposed to be. I want to love unconditionally. I’m always told not to put all my eggs in one basket. I understand the reasoning but why not. I want to go for things in life without reservations. I want to live a story worth telling and live a life with purpose. I want my life to start to reflect the woman I want to be. I believe I’m taking the right steps in this moment to do so. I’m praying for discernment in certain areas of my life. I’m praying for peace and to trust in the plan He has laid out for me. And of course I’ve prayed for forgiveness for not trusting in His plan all along and for grace.
So for this new year I want to start doing a lot of things in my life. I’ll fail at some and succeed at others but I’m going to try. I’m working on ways to keep myself accountable in this pursuit. It’s about life changes these days because sometimes it’s hard to take a true look at yourself and fix the bad BUT it’s good to look at yourself and realize that you can change and that everyone makes mistakes. It’s important to look at yourself and see the good as well. Take time to reflect on both.
So my hope for you in this new year is that you can reflect and start living your life as a story worthy of telling!
Happy New Year and be safe!
(here’s a little blog post that inspired all this http://donmilleris.com/2011/12/29/what-happens-when-you-stop-running/)