So I can’t really complain. Nothing seriously bad is going on. Just the normal homework, work, looking for jobs happenings yet I find myself in this mood today. A mood I’m desperately trying to shake off. This dark space in my mind where my thoughts go sometimes. It’s never helpful, it’s never good and it never brings a smile to my face. It’s dark and dreary and filled with the worst possible solutions. It tells me I’m not good enough. It tells me that my waiting is in vain, that my hearts going to get broken, it tells me they don’t care. This place is the worst. That’s where my mind is right now and I’m trying to pull myself away from it.
So I’m doing what I know best these days. I write. I put my phone away. I turn some music on or today turn on KSR. I figure it out. I start thinking of things that I’m grateful for, good things. Funny things.
1. I’m grateful for coffee. I know trivial but I am seriously thankful for coffee. I should probably be specific and say good coffee but these days I’ll take any coffee. I feel like it sustains me a little bit and keeps me going.
2. I’m grateful for my friends and family. I feel like I say that a lot but they circle around me in these moments. They tell me I’m not crazy. That its ok. But they tell me what I need to hear as well. That sometimes waiting is the best. That I’m not alone.
3. I’m grateful for “killa in da house” … that’s his nickname … no he isn’t a killa. He’s a really funny kid that never fails to brighten my day. One of the absolute nicest people you will ever met. I will definitely miss him when I move.
4. I keep on thinking back to when I brought my pops home from the hospital on Tuesday after his surgery. He was still a little sedated and had just been given a Loratab. It was hilarious. And still providing me many laughs.
5. I’m grateful for my health. I have no major problems and have come to mostly enjoy working out.
6. I read an article today about 25 ways that it’s ok to be girly…like resort to being 8 again. It was great. Like having sleepovers because we all need those sometimes. Thinking about things like I did when I was younger…puts a lot of stuff in perspective.
7. I’m thankful for moments like this when I have the resources to wait, take a breathe, look inward and upward to pull myself out of these holes. I’m not hopeless.