Never, ever in my life did I think I would be any kind of sad to be leaving Louisville but I am. This past month has been one of the best I can remember. I’ve felt secure, happy, blessed, and many more emotions. I’ve gotten to spend time with both of my parents, my sister, my nephew, my favorite brother in law. Lunch dates, hair sessions and dinners with some of my very best friends from growing up. I have baked and baked and baked…
For mothers day and my nephew…
I threw a party for my dad, worked on the farm with him, and went to the gun range (which is one of my favorite activities!). I’ve learned some of my limits and my necessity to be ‘busy’ needs to be calmed down. I’ve learned my insecurities are still there and am working on loving myself more. It has been so great to attend my home church again. It’s been my ‘home’ since I was 3 and there is a comfort level in being around, so many memories. I have loved having my life discussions with my “3 mothers” on a kind of regular basis. I’m very lucky to have had Brittany as my roommate for these past few weeks. She’s allowed me to relax and encouraged me every step of the way. She’s sat through my rant sessions of ridiculousness that I’ve held in for too long. She’s watched me cry some tears I held in for even longer. She’s reminded me why I love having a roommate. Those quiet moments don’t seem so quiet and frightening anymore. I’ve felt myself come back to being the happy girl that I’m meant to be, the girl who is absolutely and positively excited about the unknown of the future. I am beyond blessed to be moving from this great roommate to another amazing roommate (crazily enough just shy of the date 4 years ago that we moved in together for the first time).
So thank you Louisville for reminding me why this area will always be home. Thank you for welcoming me back with open arms and open hearts. Thank you to those who have made my stay here extra special.
I know without a doubt I will be back all the time to visit.
“Thank God for hometowns and all the love that makes you go round
Thank God for the county lines that welcome you back in when you were dying to get out
Thank God for Church pews and all the faces that won’t forget you
Cause when you’re lost out in this crazy world you got somewhere to go and get found
Thank God for hometowns”
I will be real honest here, I have been really bad about intentionally and thoughtfully studying my Bible lately. I find myself getting caught up and distracted and pulled away in a million directions when truly I have no job and have no reason to not sit down to read and study. Crazily enough I know how much better my moods, my heart, my spirit and my general attitude are when I am actively studying and searching. So the question is why doesn’t my brain turn to that in the first place? … I do not have an answer for that one right now. But this morning my decision was to get up. Turn on some music, sit at the counter to eat my breakfast and read. Take time to study. And it was good.
I need to reminded at times that it is ok to have weakness. That I cannot do everything. I am not able to be everything to everyone. I am good at what God made me good at and He will provide for those areas I am weak. When I have those days where I feel like everything is going wrong I need to start falling into His care, not my own mind, my friends or outside influences. Yes I know I will talk to them but I should start seeking Him more, for everything. These are simple yet sometimes hard things for me to do. I do not know why but I’m working and I think that is what He requires. He wants us to try. To ask for his help. To believe in his forgiveness.
I’m also reading this book, which I would recommend to everyone, Love Does by Bob Goff. I am truly thankful for this book because even though I know a lot of the things/verses/advice he talks about it’s nice to be reminded that someone I consider a great role model struggled too. I’m finding reassurance in that he has gone through it and made it out to be this person that I can too. That he has a kind spirit, a helpful spirit and a loving spirit and has accomplished great things. I want that. I never want my spirit or heart hardened by any circumstances I experience.
Recently I have experienced a situation that he describes so greatly in his book. I let a person/situation obscure my view from everything else. I let myself believe it was something I needed instead of just wanted. I could not see past it…at all. I’ll leave you with the passage….
“I’ve learned that God sometimes allows us to find ourselves in a place where we want something so bad that we can’t see past it. Sometimes we can’t even see God because of it. When we want something that bad, it’s easy to mistake what we truly need for the thing we really want. When this sort of thing happens, and it seems to happen to everyone, I’ve found it’s because what God has for us is obscured from view, just around another bend in the road. ……
It’s in my nature, maybe all of our natures, to try and engineer things. So I skew the answers to get what I think I want. But when I do that, I also get what I don’t want too, like a cot and a room full of guys. The first time I wanted someone to care for me as much as I cared for her, she picked someone else and I tried to talk her out of it. If I had been successful, I wouldn’t have experienced love in the unique way that I have. I wouldn’t have found who and what God tailed-made for me.”
I’ve talked a lot about pain and peace and grace and love. But this week I’m feeling a whole new thing, I am healing. For the first time in a while, I’m breathing, soaking in what’s being given to me, accepting that I do not have a plan, and most importantly being ok. Life isn’t a series of magical answers. To me its a series of mistakes and lessons and tears (both of joy and sadness) and hard decisions and joy-filled moments. I’ve chosen most of my life to have a positive outlook. People seem to appreciate my smile more than my tears. I appreciate my smile more than my tears. This week I’ve healed from what I’m realizing was a depression in my last month of life. It wasn’t a serious depression but I was deeply un-happy, the littlest things were upsetting me and my mood. This week I’m healing from that, I’m grateful for my friends that chose to stand with me and walk me through that time. Those that decided I was worth the time and effort. What I’m also realizing is sometimes people do the best they can and we have to accept what they do is enough. Appreciating the friendship for what it is and know that you can’t fully rely on them, I think that also means sometimes I have to rein back what I give. I haven’t quite learned the line of giving too much of myself and I find that I quite often become used, even when people do not mean too.
We live life and we learn and we reach places were growing is the only option (unless we want to continue on the same circle path) and it’s the best option. We realize we were meant for more, more than being used and we are meant to be appreciated. We are meant to be accepted and loved. Sometimes things don’t work out and I absolutely believe I’ll look back in 5 years and say thank you God for not giving me what I wanted and giving me what I needed. Today has proven over and over again that not having a plan might be best for me right now. God is placing some good opportunities in my life and I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the people He has put in my life. I’m grateful for the smile He brought back this week. I’m grateful for the healing He is providing.
So it’s the last night in Indianapolis, I don’t know that I have a lot of words left. I don’t know that I have a lot of emotion left. I’m tired and worn down and emotionally drained. Goodbye’s aren’t fun. Leaving people isn’t easy.
To everyone at TCA I’ll miss you GREATLY. It has been my pleasure to work, teach, laugh and grow in this place. It became my sense of family in this city when I felt lost. Thank you.
To my friends. I love you. I’ll see you soon.
Know that I’m happy, I’m doing something I believe is best for me, and I’m taking a leap because I’m 25 and still learning.
I have 3 full days left in Indianapolis. I am hoping that people do not take my smile and happiness to be moving home as a sign of me not being sad. I cried on Sunday night saying goodbye to one of people I grew close to in recent months. It was sad even knowing I am going to see her again. Today I said goodbye to one of my best friends for the past 6 years.
I even feel this great swelling cry coming on later this week. I just don’t want to start that on Tuesday. I want to celebrate my time here and think about the impact I made on people. It’s hard to be sad when I am moving on to something that I fully believe is big and good for me! I have big plans, bigger than I’ve even let on here. I fully believe that good things are coming. My heart isn’t scared anymore, there is always the unknown. But I’m tired of worrying about if it will happen or won’t. I can’t control if people like me or not. All I can do is continue to love and be me and accept the love people give me. Home to me isn’t about a structure, bricks, and mortar. It’s about a feeling, a love, a safeguard, a kindness, a forgiveness, an acceptance. It’s a place where no matter what I look like, what I’m wearing, or what I’ve done I’m loved. It’s a place where I can clear my mind and heart. A place where I can cry my tears and get back up and stand. A place where support is unwavering. A place where my ideas can grow, where my dreams are supported, and my faith is rebuilt. It’s a place where I feel arms wrapped around me all the time telling me I’m going to be ok and that they are proud of me. A place where I do not have to have life figured out fully, a place where I can take a journey and be told that’s a great idea. Its a place I know I’m welcome and a place where I know I’m wanted. And that’s a good thing to feel.
I started thinking about some of my favorite songs about home. Here are a couple:
Coming Home- Country Strong.
“It’s a four letter word. A place you go to heal your hurt. It’s an altar, it’s a shelter. One place you’re always welcome. A pink flamingo, double wide. One bedroom in a high rise. A mansion on a hill. Where the memories always will. Keep you company whenever you’re alone. After all of my running. I’m finally coming Home – the world tried to break me. I found a road to take me. Home – there ain’t nothing but a blue sky now. After all of my running, I’m finally coming… Home.”
Miranda Lambert- The House that Built Me
Blake Shelton/Michael Buble- Home
Adele- Hometown Glory
Jake Owen- Every Reason I Go Back
What are some other suggestions?