I’ve talked a lot about pain and peace and grace and love. But this week I’m feeling a whole new thing, I am healing. For the first time in a while, I’m breathing, soaking in what’s being given to me, accepting that I do not have a plan, and most importantly being ok. Life isn’t a series of magical answers. To me its a series of mistakes and lessons and tears (both of joy and sadness) and hard decisions and joy-filled moments. I’ve chosen most of my life to have a positive outlook. People seem to appreciate my smile more than my tears. I appreciate my smile more than my tears. This week I’ve healed from what I’m realizing was a depression in my last month of life. It wasn’t a serious depression but I was deeply un-happy, the littlest things were upsetting me and my mood. This week I’m healing from that, I’m grateful for my friends that chose to stand with me and walk me through that time. Those that decided I was worth the time and effort. What I’m also realizing is sometimes people do the best they can and we have to accept what they do is enough. Appreciating the friendship for what it is and know that you can’t fully rely on them, I think that also means sometimes I have to rein back what I give. I haven’t quite learned the line of giving too much of myself and I find that I quite often become used, even when people do not mean too.
We live life and we learn and we reach places were growing is the only option (unless we want to continue on the same circle path) and it’s the best option. We realize we were meant for more, more than being used and we are meant to be appreciated. We are meant to be accepted and loved. Sometimes things don’t work out and I absolutely believe I’ll look back in 5 years and say thank you God for not giving me what I wanted and giving me what I needed. Today has proven over and over again that not having a plan might be best for me right now. God is placing some good opportunities in my life and I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the people He has put in my life. I’m grateful for the smile He brought back this week. I’m grateful for the healing He is providing.