It’s been a while, a long while since I’ve written. Life has been full, it has been busy, it has been uncomfortable at times, it has been a learning experience…life has been lived. There have been tears, many laughs, tons of smiles, full hearts and full stomachs. I believe the last time I wrote it was right before my birthday, I was about to turn 26 and was hoping to live my next year full of smiles, laughs, trying and giving. We’re almost 6 months into it and I think that I’ve accomplished those ok so far.
Trying has and will always be the hardest resolution for me to keep, my natural instinct is to just live and let it be. I fell in a groove of just believing what I have always believed and living the way I’ve always lived. Not that it has been bad but I believe we are meant to create life, as well as live the life God gave us. So 26 has been testing.
It has been a semi-rough start to this new year but I’m learning so much. So much about myself and about my God. I tend to think of new years as a fresh start. As a renewal. A time to begin again. 2013 started off in a funeral home, with the death of my aunt. It was unexpected. It was heartbreaking. It ripped me to the core. I didn’t understand and I still don’t. I haven’t figured out life without her, she was like a second mother. I still cry, I still hear her voice but I’m trying to remember how she would have wanted my life to be lived. Full, in the open and enjoying each day. I find little momentos, like cards she sent telling me how proud she was of me. I remember her faith and that she lived with grace and forgiveness, two of my biggest struggles, admittedly.
I am fully capable of forgiving, and showing grace to others but when it comes to myself I struggle. And to be quite honest these past 2 weeks have put my faith to the test. I have had to learn what I truly believe, what I know about God and apply that to myself. For me asking for forgiveness and grace is hard, especially when I know that I have done nothing to deserve it. I know that I had all the warning signs, to get out of the theoretical car, to change my mind, to go on a different path. I ignored all of them and ended up in a place I never thought I would be. I not only put myself in a bad situation but I hurt someone else. So grace I didn’t think I deserved. But what I’ve learned over the past couple weeks is that God loves me. He knew that I would fail, over and over and over again. He doesn’t spare me the heartache because he gave me every sign to turn around. What he does do is welcome me right back into his arms. He gave me the best friends in the world to make me laugh, help me realize that we make mistakes and to tell me to move on. They have helped me remember that I can be loved. That my heart is good and that forgiveness is ours to ask for. God doesn’t expect us to be perfect, he expects us to try and live the life he gave us. Vulnerability is hard. But it is necessary for us to live a deeper life. Its time that I put faith back in my God and remember that those people in my life love me, my mistakes, my blemishes, my broken-ness. One day I’ll write my story out. One day soon. I hope that the story will help someone, just like someone’s story this past week helped me. God gave us each other, it’s time we build each other up.