This is scary. It’s easier for me to joke and skim over top of what is really going on in my heart. It’s easier for all of us to do that. I find myself saying often well I didn’t want to tell you that because it is weak. I think sometimes what I mean is it makes me human. Human, non-perfect. Non-perfect so you might leave me. I worry, I get anxious, I get fearful, I cry when I’m alone and I let my mind be over-taken by the lies that Satan so easily tells us. That nobody wants my burdens. No one wants to carry them with me. There’s bondage in that lie. I get into the trap that God doesn’t even see my fears, he doesn’t see my affliction. I literally think no one will understand. So I silently deal with them, trust me not the best idea. Today’s devotional smacked me in the face, Freeway: Chaos-mas – Tuesday, “Famine of hope, famine of security, famine of affection and love. He sees you in all of it. He is not far off, He is not uninterested.” My God is with me. He sees it. He has put people in my life who are willing to walk in the trenches with me, who are willing to walk forward when others might take a step back, He has taken every step forward and meets me in my mire and filthiness.
At the end of the devotional is ask a couple questions and I thought where else should I be vulnerable with these fears. It’s ok to struggle and if that is publicly it can’t be worse than the private struggle.
1.What is a fear you couldn’t care less if the whole world was aware of?
I’m scared of ladybugs. No joke. I’m not a fan of heights, airplanes do not bother me but roller coasters do. I will jump every time you act like your going to throw a ball at me. Scares me, no idea why. It’s not like I’ve been drilled with footballs or basketballs often in my life.
2.What is one you are terrified someone else will know about you?
I have a deep sense of insecurity and un-wantedness. I am utterly terrified of being left, I feel vulnerable and I struggle to be everything to people so that I will add worth to their life. I don’t let them see struggles or pain because I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want them to walk away. I know where some of this fear comes from. My parents divorce and in the past I’ve basically been told because I wasn’t happy 100% of the time some people didn’t want to be around me. I’ve been told that I wasn’t worth it and people’s life would be better if I wasn’t around. I was told that no one wants me. I was “strong” during that time and laughed it off. I acted like it didn’t care while mentally filing that into my brain. Over and over again it’s come back up. In the form of no wonder you’re still single, no one could love you, you’re ugly, you mess up, you get moody. (and I start to believe I’m the only one that way.) In my relationship I start to think that one day he’ll wake up and say what am I doing she’s not worth the trouble. To counteract this I act out in ways that are ugly. I push people away, I don’t take time to think about what is really bothering me and I let my immediate oh it has to be this that is bothering me take over. When in reality it’s a fear, in some form, that I’ve been battling for years.
At 28 I’m tired of letting this control me and ruin relationship after relationship, I accept who I am, I am owning up to my faults and who I can become with help and prayer. I put my pride aside and asked for prayer. I asked for peace. I started the process of renewing my mind and moving through those lies. “Capturing” the thoughts that enter my mind and decided who those thoughts actually come from. What is truth.
This sucks honestly. But I know it’s worth it. I’ve hurt people I care about and I wonder/pray that it’s not too late.