It’s isn’t always fun. It isn’t always rewarding in the way we want it to be. Because I’m choosing courage over fear that means I’m choosing vulnerability. I’m choosing openness. I’m choosing self-awareness. I’m choosing to open my heart everyday heartbreak.
I think I believed that when I started to realize my strongholds, my fears and my faults I would be able to conquer them. I mean I’m not a weak woman but I now know I’m a weak human being. What I realize is that courage is sometimes quiet. That it’s an everyday choice. Not just everyday but every hour. Some people won’t see the courage it takes to be honest and tell them how you feel. It’s not easy, it’s scary but at 28 I don’t have the time to not say I love you, or I miss you to the important people. It’s not the easiest to choose love everyday. Some days I want to be selfish. I want to show people how if feels to be walked on and made to feel like an option. When those moments of doubt/selfishness hit I remember what LE told me. For me to understand that even if I end up being an option in someone’s life, that even if my worst fears come true that I did my best if I’m showing God’s love and I can’t be faulted for that. That I can stand up for myself but continuously show love, grace, understanding.
While it’s so much easier to put up walls, to close your heart off because you fear your heart can’t handle another crack, another failed dream, another rejected application or you fear your prayer isn’t going to be answered in the way you selfishly want; putting up walls isn’t a great answer. For years I thought I lived with an open heart but I wasn’t. I hurt myself so much from 23-27 but not allowing myself to accept any type of love. I wasted time that God gave me.
So three days into this new year I’m evaluating the goals I set for myself and I’m still trying to listen, not to have a response but to just listen I think everyone needs that. To understand others more, not to fix but to just understand. I think one of the greatest ways we can show love is to try to understand someones position even when they’ve hurt us. I want to continue to live in the courage to be open and share my life. I’ve added be present to the list. Thanks to my Holly, I’ve realized that I worry so much about what’s next that I don’t think about what I have now. So 2015 is listening, understanding and being present. With a lot of courage and grace thrown in. Life is messy in its own beautiful way, love is scary but so worth it. The intimate work of friendships can bring a beauty and light to our life we didn’t know we were missing. So be courageous and let people in, you’ll be surprised by how many people walk forward instead of walking away when they see your flaws.