Can gratefulness and sadness exist in the same realm? In the same heart, at the same time? I find myself asking these questions. On days when I don’t trust my feelings, when my heart is stretched beyond belief, when I HAVE to actively choose to be graceful towards myself and others when that normally comes naturally….I wonder, can I be grateful but still sad? I think the answer is yes. I believe the gratefulness lessens the sadness. It makes it better. Remembering the positive and not the bad. It’s a better way to live. It’s a courageous way to live.
You know what makes me smile? God is with us in hard times, when things don’t go the way we perceived or wished. I re-read my prayer journal last night and WHOA God has been answering my prayers I just didn’t see it. I was specific in my prayer but I also said more than anything please let your will be done. So I must believe this is his will and he is pouring out lavishly on my life. How wonderful is that reminder? His mercies are new, everyday. God is in the business of loving us. Through good and bad. So I’m brushing myself off, saying thank you for the experience, being grateful for people who pour into me, and realizing just how wonderful it all can be. When you can honestly say I’m better now than I was before, why let sadness be your main emotion? We are in charge of our lives and we make our own rules by how we live. we can choose to live by what everyone tells us is right or we can live with love and how we feel in our heart is right. I’m choosing to make my own rules. I’m not looking to be an exception but I feel lately that my heart says to love and to support people with love. I won’t regret it. I live with my choices, I live with my decisions and I’m proud of the people who are in my life.
This year has already proved to be such a growing year. I fully believe 2015 is going to be the best year yet. I am not searching for my purpose, I’ve found my sweet spot and where I want to serve in church. (If you live in Lexington, check out Serve the City) I want to put my heart in God’s hands this year, that is not something I have ever committed to before. When you have people you respect tell you they’ve seen amazing changes in your life over the past 6 months you can’t help but want to continue, and be humble enough to admit those changes should have happened long ago. I want to grow more into this woman I’m finding myself become. One that is gracious and humble and meek and free. One that laughs and smiles more than she cries and frowns. One that is able to see just how special she is and believes she was created for a purpose. My wish in my life is that people say I left them better than I found them, not because of me but because I showed them love. I want people to say I was kind and that I had an impact. If those things are said I believe I lived the life God wanted me to.
I find that writing all this out helps me reign in my thoughts. Helps me set plans and goals. Helps me remember just what I’m looking at. It is cathartic. Because sometimes I get so wrapped up in the wrong I’m like “oh I need to write about it” but I sit down get two sentences in and realize that I should be writing about what’s right. My hope is that I can inspire one person. Let’s together choose Faith over Fear and live this life out loud and together. Forgive easy and love hard. This life really is beautiful if you let it be.