Those Words You’re Afraid to Say.

Today I read a Facebook post by Donald Miller “When you write today, humbly say the one thing you’re afraid to say. Your audience is more kind than you could possibly imagine.” That’s a big task. There’s quite a bit that I’m afraid to say out loud. I have worked for years to not have fear rule my life, I think most people work on this.

It made me think about what I’m afraid to say out loud and I think it’s perfect for this week. See I love love. I love seeing people happy and weddings and public expressions of love. Not fake internet love but genuine daily moments. So on to what I’m afraid to say …. I’m scared to never experience that, to never have someone love me back, to be single again for years. I joke often about being “old” and that at 28 my time is running out and I laugh about it but really I’m masking. (I suggest reading “Scary Close” by Donald Miller, it’s changing my ideas about relationships/life/myself and making me examine myself closely)

I find myself sitting in singleness and wondering what the future holds. I know I’m not supposed to question because I know who holds my future but I’ve also learned it’s ok to desire to not be single, to desire for someone to love me. I think this is a common thing for women (people) my age, we struggle with being single and desiring a relationship, any relationship and we often settle. It’s ok to desire companionship, but that shouldn’t be my focus. I’m learning I can love this life, and be happy while still desiring that relationship, husband, and family.

I want to encourage, even though I find it hard to encourage myself some days. But today, when I find myself frowning about tomorrow being Valentine’s Day I am choosing to remember that I’m loved, maybe not in the way I want but I’m loved. I am capable of loving myself, taking risks, and taking steps to see what and who is out there for me. Choose love, and live without walls. Maybe use this time to work on me and be the honest, caring, loving person I desire to be remembered as.

Happy Valentine’s Day my friends. You are loved.

Stop. Reset.

I don’t always look at the beginning of the month as a reset button but this month I am. January was tough. Tougher than I ever thought for so many reasons. Some out of my control and others because I brought punishment on myself. I think January was teaching me a little more about grace and a lot about teaching myself not to repeat past mistakes, although I came close. Shamefully, heartbreaking-ly close. It was about letting go of relationships. It was about letting go of control.

I believe in being honest here. I’ve not written for a couple of weeks and I think it’s because I knew I wasn’t living in a way that should inspire anyone. In a way that wasn’t the woman I’m set on becoming. I wasn’t living in beauty and in grace. I was living in the moment and for attention. I’m so thankful that God sends people and reminders to put us back on track. I don’t want to paint a picture on here that I’m living perfect and that I’m consistently living in the love and grace that I have talked about. I’m not perfect, far from it.

I wasn’t lying in my last post about how I want to live. What I did after posting it though wasn’t how I want to live my life. I didn’t live in the kindness and love, mostly towards myself. I feel like I should be stronger than I am, that I should be able to “get over” things and people quicker than I do. I felt like one failure led to another because why try to be better when you fail. I lied to the people around me, the people closest to me and said I was ok. That I was fine. That my heart wasn’t hurting. It was easier to live in secret than admit mistakes and say “I’m not ok and I’m not living anywhere near where I should be”

January is a month I’m glad is ending. I’m glad to be beginning February with a renewed sense of the LOVE I deserve to receive. A love from God who doesn’t ask for much compared to what he gives me. A reminder that love is something that I want to consistently give. Love in the right spirit. Not to receive it back but because I want to live in a way represents unconditional acceptance. I want to learn to accept the love I receive. This month I want to live in peace and prayer. Let go of the things I can’t control and SMILE much more than I cry.

Today I accepted the path I was walking wasn’t going to take me to love, grace, kindness or anywhere near the woman I want to be. So I start where I am. Today that means tears and some grace. It is a lot of gratefulness for friends and mentors who accept me as I am. Who say don’t be so hard on yourself, you caught yourself before you completely fell. It means spending more time in the word than I do texting and on social media. It’s not often I would ask for this but prayer would be helpful for this week. I’m oftentimes hard on myself, I know this week will be one where the Devil is quick to attack and remind me of my failures. So I would appreciate an extra thought.

I’m reminded: He doesn’t love us because we’re perfect, He loves us because we are His. No matter what.

We’re all in this life together. So let’s be honest with our struggles. I’m praying for you as you walk through this week. Start where you are and know that it enough.