I don’t always look at the beginning of the month as a reset button but this month I am. January was tough. Tougher than I ever thought for so many reasons. Some out of my control and others because I brought punishment on myself. I think January was teaching me a little more about grace and a lot about teaching myself not to repeat past mistakes, although I came close. Shamefully, heartbreaking-ly close. It was about letting go of relationships. It was about letting go of control.
I believe in being honest here. I’ve not written for a couple of weeks and I think it’s because I knew I wasn’t living in a way that should inspire anyone. In a way that wasn’t the woman I’m set on becoming. I wasn’t living in beauty and in grace. I was living in the moment and for attention. I’m so thankful that God sends people and reminders to put us back on track. I don’t want to paint a picture on here that I’m living perfect and that I’m consistently living in the love and grace that I have talked about. I’m not perfect, far from it.
I wasn’t lying in my last post about how I want to live. What I did after posting it though wasn’t how I want to live my life. I didn’t live in the kindness and love, mostly towards myself. I feel like I should be stronger than I am, that I should be able to “get over” things and people quicker than I do. I felt like one failure led to another because why try to be better when you fail. I lied to the people around me, the people closest to me and said I was ok. That I was fine. That my heart wasn’t hurting. It was easier to live in secret than admit mistakes and say “I’m not ok and I’m not living anywhere near where I should be”
January is a month I’m glad is ending. I’m glad to be beginning February with a renewed sense of the LOVE I deserve to receive. A love from God who doesn’t ask for much compared to what he gives me. A reminder that love is something that I want to consistently give. Love in the right spirit. Not to receive it back but because I want to live in a way represents unconditional acceptance. I want to learn to accept the love I receive. This month I want to live in peace and prayer. Let go of the things I can’t control and SMILE much more than I cry.
Today I accepted the path I was walking wasn’t going to take me to love, grace, kindness or anywhere near the woman I want to be. So I start where I am. Today that means tears and some grace. It is a lot of gratefulness for friends and mentors who accept me as I am. Who say don’t be so hard on yourself, you caught yourself before you completely fell. It means spending more time in the word than I do texting and on social media. It’s not often I would ask for this but prayer would be helpful for this week. I’m oftentimes hard on myself, I know this week will be one where the Devil is quick to attack and remind me of my failures. So I would appreciate an extra thought.
I’m reminded: He doesn’t love us because we’re perfect, He loves us because we are His. No matter what.
We’re all in this life together. So let’s be honest with our struggles. I’m praying for you as you walk through this week. Start where you are and know that it enough.