Go Be Great

We all have this little spark inside of us. Something that moves us forward. I like to believe we all these dreams inside of us, some big and some small. My crazy big dream is to work for a sports network one day, even crazier as a sideline reporter. I love sports, I love being part of the environment and that is my crazy dream. I realize that at 28 it is unlikely for that to happen but I’m okay with it. It’s a dream.

More realistic is I want to design things, make things. Such as invites, wedding programs, save the dates, wall prints….it’s something I love. I’ve been talking about it for a while. In my head I was trying to make sense of how to make this work, talking myself out of it because it’s a risk, and it’s not a career (what if I’m not good enough). Then I told some people about it and what I would need to invest to make this start. Everyone, everyone told me to take the risk. That it in reality is a small investment to make a little extra money and more importantly do something I love. One even took it further and said “You’re good at that stuff, it’s what you like. So do it”

Why is it that it takes a friend to tell us for it to click. Why did I need confidence from that person. The investment isn’t huge but any amount of money spent is big right now (I’m trying to buy a house next year). But I’m worth it, even if it’s scary. I like to believe that scariness is pushing me further. I’m moving forward, into the dark. This waiting period of life right now feels lonely, and it feels dark. I have no idea what the future is holding but I’m tired of not living my life. I don’t believe that God wants me to sit and wait and do nothing. He wants me to trust him and move, hands up-not out and he will lead me through darkness. Waiting doesn’t exactly mean sit still. He gave me this gift. He gave me this spirit and big dreams. One day there’s going to be someone who isn’t scared to dream big with me. That’s what He reminds me. Stay kind, stay true to yourself and you’ll be surprised what support you have when everything seemingly falls apart.

Let’s believe that today is great and that it’s meant to start living our dreams. That the scariness is fear. The fear of failure, and it’s okay to feel that but we must not let it over come us. We’re worth more than that, we’re not meant to live in a bubble and be so careful all the time. Hearts are meant to break, life is meant to be messy, dreams are meant to fail (and try again).  Let’s live and see what happens because life doesn’t start when we have what we want (boyfriend, husband, kids, house, career, etc) life begins right now. Your story matters, live it.



Equal Ground

When I write and I share publicly it is generally because I do not want anyone to feel alone. I believe in sharing our non-perfectness. I want you to know that I struggle daily. That I fear appearing weak, I don’t have it all together, I’m not perfect. I am daily just trying to live the best I know how, and as I learn more, I try and do better. I have my limits, I have my flaws. We are on equal ground. Generally I’m happy, I like my life, I have joy, and I LOVE the people in my life. I love new people. I can say over the past year I’ve added about 10 people to my life who have dramatically impacted me. Pushed me, prayed for me, loved me through my extremely ugly moments. They inspire me. I’m inspired by a 21 year old I know who has a faith that is beautiful, I’m inspired by positive Twitter posts, I’m pushed by knowing a lady who feverently prays for me and my well-being when she has no reason to. These are the things that push me towards the better.

See I find it easy to compare myself to others. I’m horrible about comparing my journey to my peers. I’m 28, single, do not own a house, paying off college loans, no where near having kids, struggling to get my dreams on track…But someone told me the other day, what about that makes you behind? I am in charge of putting myself on the timeline. I am learning to share in the joy of my friends marriages, their pregnancies, their home purchases; because that’s their journey. My journey is mine and right now it looks like waiting.

I struggle with waiting. Goodness do I struggle with it. I want answers now, if not 5 minutes ago. When I pray for my future husband I want to ask God where he is right now. But I realize now that’s questioning His goodness, that His timing isn’t perfect. Believe me it is. I can look back to 2-3 months ago when I thought my life was falling apart and really God was showing me some of the ugliness inside of me, pruning. I needed these months of struggling to let go, to work on not being codependent, to rely on my faith, to cut out my smart mouth. To love people loosely and allow them to be who they were created to be. I’m praying & thankful for 2nd chances these days.

I’m learning to go to God in my waiting, not to my friends. Do not get me wrong I know God has placed some very Godly people in my life. I’m very lucky, but my first response should be towards Him. I’m reminded there is a content and peace in the waiting. In knowing that my future will be great because of who holds it.

If you can grab anything from this, know you aren’t alone. Your journey is yours alone. It’s beautiful, and it’s yours. It makes you, you. Please remember you are loved more than you could ever realize. You are a good person. The waiting and questions are hard but believe me it’s worth every minute. God is working for our good, if we let him. I’m praying for you, I’m rejoicing in your breakthroughs. We are on equal ground and every victory is a victory we should celebrate.


Gratefulness and Repentance

Gratefulness and repentance, those words. Two tough ones for me to swallow right now. I read something the other day that said we go through winter of the soul to get the spring (She Reads Truth-Springtime). I wish that wasn’t true. This winter in my soul hurts but spring is around the corner. But that is the thing…

The thing about gratefulness is it doesn’t always make things better but it can give you a better view of what exactly you have in your life. It sometimes doesn’t come naturally for me but when I sit & think about what it means to be grateful I find a slow smile start to appear on my face. Gratefulness is kindness, thankfulness. Gratefulness begins in our heart and it think it slowly spreads throughout us. I want to believe that I can create a grateful life; full of kindness and love.

I have to start where I am and move my heart in the direction that it needs to go. I want to be grateful for the experiences I’ve been allowed to have. Not be so sad when they’re over. For the people who have entered my life and decided to stay when they see what a MESS I am. For these feelings I have, for caring as deeply as I do.

May I open my ears and open my heart to different stories. May I let go of how I think life is supposed to go and believe in the better. May I let go of the weight and shame and guilt; and start to live life out fully, free from past. Perfection isn’t needed but you know what is? Real, honest, life with heartbreak and cracks and ugliness. May my failures teach me and comfort others. We aren’t alone. We aren’t done. This world needs us. In case you ever forget. You are loved. Loved more than you could ever imagine. While I search for love from a man I forget that I’m loved more by a God than I could every possibly understand.

How am I going to get there, that grateful place? Repentance. I’ve never done a Lenten study before. This year I knew that my heart was stagnant and it was becoming hardened. It was in a place that I do not like, and do not want to be. Considering and acting in ways that are not consistent with who I am. And as Jon Weece said in his sermon last week “What is inside us comes out” I instantly groaned and said please don’t. Please just stay inside and go away. So this year I am reading She Reads Truth lent study. This week is about Repentance. Something that I like to ignore. The writer perfectly describes my actions….that I would rather curl up under my cover, grab a book, a glass of wine and just ignore the world and my problems, my transgressions. Then she says this “Hard-heartedness just leads to more judgement, but repentance leads to life.” I want life. Life abundantly. So this week and for a while I must do the hard work. The work I don’t want to admit.

So gratefulness and repentance. They do not always go hand in hand but I think I need to be grateful for the opportunity to have repentance. To have a Savior who loves the sinful. Who loves me and isn’t driven away by my sin but someone who pulls me closer. He won’t judge us, he’ll love us. For that I am grateful.