When I write and I share publicly it is generally because I do not want anyone to feel alone. I believe in sharing our non-perfectness. I want you to know that I struggle daily. That I fear appearing weak, I don’t have it all together, I’m not perfect. I am daily just trying to live the best I know how, and as I learn more, I try and do better. I have my limits, I have my flaws. We are on equal ground. Generally I’m happy, I like my life, I have joy, and I LOVE the people in my life. I love new people. I can say over the past year I’ve added about 10 people to my life who have dramatically impacted me. Pushed me, prayed for me, loved me through my extremely ugly moments. They inspire me. I’m inspired by a 21 year old I know who has a faith that is beautiful, I’m inspired by positive Twitter posts, I’m pushed by knowing a lady who feverently prays for me and my well-being when she has no reason to. These are the things that push me towards the better.
See I find it easy to compare myself to others. I’m horrible about comparing my journey to my peers. I’m 28, single, do not own a house, paying off college loans, no where near having kids, struggling to get my dreams on track…But someone told me the other day, what about that makes you behind? I am in charge of putting myself on the timeline. I am learning to share in the joy of my friends marriages, their pregnancies, their home purchases; because that’s their journey. My journey is mine and right now it looks like waiting.
I struggle with waiting. Goodness do I struggle with it. I want answers now, if not 5 minutes ago. When I pray for my future husband I want to ask God where he is right now. But I realize now that’s questioning His goodness, that His timing isn’t perfect. Believe me it is. I can look back to 2-3 months ago when I thought my life was falling apart and really God was showing me some of the ugliness inside of me, pruning. I needed these months of struggling to let go, to work on not being codependent, to rely on my faith, to cut out my smart mouth. To love people loosely and allow them to be who they were created to be. I’m praying & thankful for 2nd chances these days.
I’m learning to go to God in my waiting, not to my friends. Do not get me wrong I know God has placed some very Godly people in my life. I’m very lucky, but my first response should be towards Him. I’m reminded there is a content and peace in the waiting. In knowing that my future will be great because of who holds it.
If you can grab anything from this, know you aren’t alone. Your journey is yours alone. It’s beautiful, and it’s yours. It makes you, you. Please remember you are loved more than you could ever realize. You are a good person. The waiting and questions are hard but believe me it’s worth every minute. God is working for our good, if we let him. I’m praying for you, I’m rejoicing in your breakthroughs. We are on equal ground and every victory is a victory we should celebrate.