It is still good.

Last week I was blessed enough to spend some time in NYC for work. It was a nightmare getting there and home but the in between was great. I am, admittedly, a bad traveler with a group. I get easily frustrated with delays and I like my space at times. I went into this trip with some different goals. I am really working on enjoying everyday for what it is. Finding those tiny moments that make up life. I got up early on the last day to walk around Central Park for a little quiet time. I’ve been to NYC a couple times and never took the time to walk around the park. This small space in the middle of city was so quiet and beautiful. The tall skylines that surround this little paradise in middle of the island were such a beautiful reminder of all the facets of my life. I spend most of my time in that frantic, skyline, city area of my life. Running from project to project. Moment to moment without as much of a thought to slow down. I want to develop the habit of spending more time in that quiet, peaceful place. The center of my life. The soul of it.

 CP

Because when I stop and appreciate what a day has brought instead of focusing on what I lost or am missing life gets better. When I step out of the way and let God do his work, there’s more peace. Why is it so hard for us to let go of clenched fist and control of relationships when we know patience is sometimes how God works? His planning is much better than I could dream. If I’m honest, please don’t judge, I’ve found myself with angry clenched fist. Angry that life has changed in such a way that was unexpected. Angry that I’m doing the supposed “right” things and what feels correct, what feels like what God would want me to do but I find myself depressed. Angry at God for giving me a desire, but I sit by and watch friend after friend have that desire fulfilled for them. In that anger I realized I let the dangerous thoughts of my worthiness be questioned. This does no good and only pushes further into a dark place, its a well worn path that I’m changing. I’m thankful to be able to recognize those moments now. I’m grateful to have (amazing) mentors that reinforce the positive. Thankful that I understand the Daniel 3:18 & even if not, God is still good. Just because a promise isn’t kept in our timing doesn’t mean the promise isn’t kept. I have to believe the positive. There’s a reason these people and this place are in my life. So maybe if loosen up my grip, let the anger go of what was supposed to be and appreciate what is I can see what I have. I can live a lot more in love and kindness, without conditions.

There’s a PURPOSE and just because I do not understand doesn’t mean the purpose isn’t good. So I am being more resolute in just being who I am. Not trying to be more or less for people. Accepting what is, and being thankful for that time.

ifNot

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Here. Without Words.

Sometimes it’s not the words in our prayers it’s about us saying God I’m not sure I have the right words at the moment but thank you, or I need some help.

I found myself struggling to pray the other night. I have so much to be thankful for. Healthy sister and new baby nephew. The sweetest 12-year-old nephew already doting on his little brother. Proud supportive parents who are in love with their new grandson. And a host of other things, not involving my family. I have a place to live, a job that pays the bills, great friends, and a group of girls in Lifegroup who are a blessing only God could put together.

Still I struggled to find words, and to feel, well anything. So I just let the tears fall and say I’m not sure what to say. I’m thankful for the opportunity to live this life. To be in this place, with these people. Things will never be perfect, and I have to stop expecting them to be before good things will happen. There are good things, great things happening everyday. From a simple text, to building friendships I thought were lost, to the simple smile of my Woodhill kids…I simply decided it was time to ask Him to take the sadness and doubt of happiness out of my heart. No matter how great things have been there’s been a constant sadness, that I wasn’t enough for an opportunity, that the happiness of this moment will quickly leave, that this can’t be real…It’s taken a toll on my mentality lately. You know what though? My life, and yours, is not dependent on what one other person or company thinks of you. Your life is valued, and great beyond measure. I look back and I’m thankful to realize it right now. I said last week I’m glad I’ve decided to follow my own rules and my own heart. I’m starting to enjoy even more mundane things, I’m thankful I saw it earlier than in say 6 years and I’ve missed some great things because they’re not what I expected.

So let me be kind to myself, and you be kind to yourself. We’re valued and we shouldn’t forget that everyday holds something we can celebrate. And when I can’t find the words, let me just learn to go, sit, and say I’m here.