Here. Without Words.

Sometimes it’s not the words in our prayers it’s about us saying God I’m not sure I have the right words at the moment but thank you, or I need some help.

I found myself struggling to pray the other night. I have so much to be thankful for. Healthy sister and new baby nephew. The sweetest 12-year-old nephew already doting on his little brother. Proud supportive parents who are in love with their new grandson. And a host of other things, not involving my family. I have a place to live, a job that pays the bills, great friends, and a group of girls in Lifegroup who are a blessing only God could put together.

Still I struggled to find words, and to feel, well anything. So I just let the tears fall and say I’m not sure what to say. I’m thankful for the opportunity to live this life. To be in this place, with these people. Things will never be perfect, and I have to stop expecting them to be before good things will happen. There are good things, great things happening everyday. From a simple text, to building friendships I thought were lost, to the simple smile of my Woodhill kids…I simply decided it was time to ask Him to take the sadness and doubt of happiness out of my heart. No matter how great things have been there’s been a constant sadness, that I wasn’t enough for an opportunity, that the happiness of this moment will quickly leave, that this can’t be real…It’s taken a toll on my mentality lately. You know what though? My life, and yours, is not dependent on what one other person or company thinks of you. Your life is valued, and great beyond measure. I look back and I’m thankful to realize it right now. I said last week I’m glad I’ve decided to follow my own rules and my own heart. I’m starting to enjoy even more mundane things, I’m thankful I saw it earlier than in say 6 years and I’ve missed some great things because they’re not what I expected.

So let me be kind to myself, and you be kind to yourself. We’re valued and we shouldn’t forget that everyday holds something we can celebrate. And when I can’t find the words, let me just learn to go, sit, and say I’m here.

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