365 days and a whole heart

Yesterday marked one year since my friend Brittany got married in Gulf Shores, normally that would be a great thing to celebrate but that trip was much bigger than that for me. I limped into that trip broken-hearted, confused, believing little of myself, my worth, and wondering why I wasn’t enough. I was putting a great smile on my face but I dreaded going on a trip where I was the only single one in the group when my heart felt so confused. God used that moment, that trip to start healing me. I sat on the beach in the morning and would open my Bible just searching for something, for hope, for belief. I started writing prayers that week for myself, for others and for the future. I knew that trip was the beginning of a season of travel, I decided to use that season to try and learn some things about myself. Alone time can be very daunting for me, I can let feelings and thoughts take over. I can slip into an easy pity party where all the wrongs are magnified and I believe the least possible version of myself. That’s where I was 1 year ago. The next 5 months I can say my life changed. People entered my life who made such big impressions that my thought process is different. My heart is different. People re-entered my life and allowed me show the changes and encouraged me to grow.

Looking back I can see answers to those prayers I wrote. I recently found a “prayer note” in my phone from that time and I looked over and they have been answered or in the process of answering. In ways I never would have imagined. It was a reminder of where I was and where I am. See the anxiety tells me nothing will change, that I will end up back where I was 1 year ago. But the truth and prayer tells me it’s different. I’m different. My heart is different. This is different. My anxiety is not an excuse, it’s not a reason to continue on the same path. My thoughts and actions can be different. I started praying for these moments, this man and this job during that time. I didn’t know what would happen but I prayed with open palms and now is the time to ENJOY the answers to those prayers and keep those open palms to the gifts.

1 year, 365 days. Plenty of tears and prayers. All worth it to be the woman in progress I am. So Brittany, thank you for forcing me to go on vacation. To sit still by the beach and read my Bible with the promises of a healed heart. Thank you for giving me a reason to smile and believe in love when my heart was utterly broken. A reminder of what we can’t see during those times, like healing will happen. A heart can become whole again.

Today, I’m thankful to rest in the truth and say I can’t wait to see what comes in this next year because hope can grow in a year. Love can happen in a year. The sky is limit with a whole heart.

heart