I Have Been Playing To Not Lose 

There’s so much in this world that I see I could lose that sometimes I forget to enjoy it all, everyday. Today was my reminder. See the struggle with my anxiety is that one thought can turn into a million others. Over and over the negative flooding. It takes strength and prayer to try and see which are true and which are lies. The worst one is that I’m unloveable and people will eventually leave. So I live to not lose, & I miss on the enjoying. I can take a pill to help relieve it sometimes. I’m believer that God gave people knowledge and expertise to help in all areas of life. So medicine is a great help but that’s a help not a solution for me. I like to see my triggers and then deal with them. It’s not easy to admit but I can be negative sometimes and I don’t believe I deserve the goodness of life. 
I think one No means multiple no’s and that eventually every good thing will end. That’s no way to live, waiting on an end. To be completely transparent i know this comes from my parents divorce. I’m a lucky woman to have two supportive parents but I knew for 6 years they would split up. 6 years of eggshells and waiting for the end. I carried that for a long time. I refuse to blame my problems on other people but I do believe we are made up of our past. Too often than not I’ve chosen the darkest version of myself but that’s not what God sees. I hope that’s not what most people see. I want a kind heart and joy to shine through. My own kinda joy.
One of the best things about getting back into a relationship with C had been how much I learn about myself with him. It’s not easy, I’m hard on myself and I often think I ask for too much. I’m vulnerable and emotional and most days I’m a mess. I get a second chance of being all those things but believing in the best for us, I get to believe in a future and let him see the joy I have. I fail a lot of days, I don’t always play to win. I play so I don’t lose. Lose what I’m not sure I deserve. I often think him putting up with me is a miracle but we’re two imperfect people. 

Then today I heard a sermon by Wayne Smith, a beautiful soul who founded Southland Christian Church and went home to heaven this week. He spoke about playing hurt and how Paul often played hurt & criticized. He didn’t give up. We are going to be hurt, we’re going to be let down, we’re going to have our feelings hurt but we don’t stop. Over and over again I can see God’s hand in my life. Over and over again I know He’s not leaving me alone. Back to what I don’t think I deserve, I deserve a lot of pain and suffering but God forgave that a long time ago. He chose me as his child and wants me to live a good life. There will be suffering but there will be more goodness in Him. So I’m choosing, and need accountability, to see the good, and to enjoy life. I don’t know and can’t change how it all works out but I can change how I live and love this life. Let my love and joy be evident. 

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