Usually every year I read a book that really changes my life and hits me upside the head with some corrections I need to make.

In 2015 it was Scary Close by Donald Miller. Teaching me about my co-dependency and ways to be my true authentic self, even if I’ll be judged. That grace sticks to mistakes and our whole selves. It’s a daily practice. Sometimes I do well and sometimes I fail, but I’m trying.

2016. This book is “Present Over Perfect” by Shauna Niequist. I have cried on my porch more times than I’d like to admit at the authenticity and the realness and how much I relate to the stories she is telling.

This morning I was reading a section called Throwing Candy. She says “I used to be warm and whimsical. I used to believe in the power of silliness and memory-making and laughter.And then I became the kind of person who threw candy as long as nothing else was going on — as long as it didn’t get in the way of being responsible.”

I stopped in my tracks, that’s me. I’ve become so serious and so focused on the busy that I forget to be whimsical, one of my all time favorite words. Sometimes I lose that light in my eyes because I remember what it was like being free and fun, then I got hurt. Like everyone. I got told to be smaller, to be quieter, to be less well me. I’m finding that light again, that fun. That person who would rather have pizza and a movie than being out ignoring the silence and possibilities of pain.

I want to become the person that remembers the hurt, the loss and still chooses to move forward. To risk love and risk loss because I can’t ignore what God has done to get me and us here here. I want to remember the promise that no matter what, he is still good. That longing in my heart, it won’t be filled here on earth. So I can stop searching. I want to be that whimsical woman, who brings warmth and light where she goes. Boring or not, I want to be remembered with kindness. Not busy-ness or responsibility.

My bf deserves the light and whimsical me. I deserve that me.