Recently.

I live my life pretty open, pretty out there until recently. I love social media, I love knowing about others lives, I love taking things in. That is until I found myself using social media, something I’ve built a career on, for things that didn’t work. For things that hurt, causing distrust and comparison. So I’m signing out, slowly and with some failures. Literally Twitter is the only social media I enjoy and have no comparison issues with.

I’m learning that worry is my choice. I can worry myself sick with what if’s and this could possibly happen scenario’s because let’s be honest it’s happened before. I can chose to believe I’m not worth the effort or that I’m not enough. I have a lot of choice in where I let my mind go. This is new for me, for a long time I let my anxiety dictate things, I let my mind go where it wanted thinking I had no control. While there are some certain instances when panic comes, I truly have a little more control than I ever have. Recently, I’ve just thought chin up, eyes on God. He’s said many times cast your cares, cast your worries. Bug me, I care. Consistently I’ve chosen to worry, the fret, to not eat because I couldn’t handle the stress. That’s changing.

As tears stream down my face, I’m starting to realize the feelings don’t have to take over. I can remember that Christ is my comforter and I can pray for His will, whatever that is without fear. I can love more openly, love is scary because it gives you something to lose. I feel like I’ve lost a lot in my life, in love. So I have a hard time believing with my head when my heart is a hopeless romantic, I’m sure that’s annoying lol. I’m letting that little voice quiet itself. I’m letting the mature voice take over. The one that says give it a chance. It doesn’t have to look like everything else.

I know I’ll fail at this type of life, often but one with less worry and more smiles is my hope. Because worry is a choice and I have a God who chooses me everyday. Worry doesn’t predict the future, it hinders the present. I’m 3 months into 30 and I feel like maybe just maybe every hard thing of this past year was worth it.